I didn’t even realize I deserved to be scolded. But when I handed my wife’s uncle the gift with one hand and casually said, “Here you go!” in Japanese, I broke multiple cultural rules and thoroughly embarrassed myself.
Growing up in the States, gift-giving felt simpler. For me, it wasn’t much more than ripping open the paper and saying “Thanks!” There weren’t any complex rules or implicit promises of a return gift. That humbling experience with my wife’s uncle taught me an important lesson: gift-giving in Japan is both an art and a social necessity. Understanding it can save you embarrassment and, more importantly, deepen your connections.
If you’re visiting Japan, especially if you plan to meet friends, colleagues, or family, here are some key aspects of the gift-giving culture to keep in mind:
When Gifts Are Typically Exchanged
You’ll encounter gift-giving primarily in a few common situations:
- After Travel (Omiyage お土産): After any trip, even a short one, it’s customary for locals to bring back omiyage – typically shareable, often edible, souvenirs for family, close friends, and work colleagues. This custom persists even in today’s world of frequent travel.
- Visiting Someone’s Home (Temiyage 手土産): When visiting someone’s home, it’s polite to bring a small gift, usually sweets or snacks to share, called temiyage. If you’ve ever wondered why those beautiful cake and sweet shops are conveniently located near train stations, now you know!
- Special Occasions & Holidays: Gift exchanges happen around major life events (births, graduations, weddings, housewarmings) and specific holidays like New Year’s Day (children receive otoshidama お年玉, often cash). They also happen on Valentine’s Day & White Day, and the formal summer (Ochugen お中元) and end-of-year (Oseibo お歳暮) gift-giving seasons, which often involve reinforcing business and personal relationships.
How to Present (and Receive) Gifts
Once you’ve selected an appropriate gift, presenting it properly is equally important. Remember that presentation conveys respect:
- Two Hands, Please: Always offer and receive gifts using two hands, often accompanied by a slight bow. This shows sincerity (avoid my one-handed mistake!).
- Wrapping Matters: Gifts are generally given appropriately wrapped. Department stores often provide expert wrapping services. While the layers of paper and bags might seem excessive to some, meticulous wrapping is a crucial part of respectful presentation in Japanese culture.
- Receiving Gracefully: Resist the urge to tear open a gift immediately upon receiving it. If the giver encourages you to open it (“douzo akete kudasai” どうぞ開けてください – “please open it”), do so carefully, trying not to rip the paper (a skill many Japanese people have mastered)! Otherwise, it’s polite to express thanks and open it later in private. If it’s shareable food like temiyage, offering some to enjoy together during your visit is a warm and appropriate gesture.
What to Say During the Exchange
The words you use when exchanging gifts are nearly as important as the gift itself. Humility is crucial when giving a gift. Be modest and use self-deprecating phrases like:
- “Chotto shita mono desu ga” (ちょっとしたものですが) – “It’s just a small/insignificant thing, but…”
- “Kimochi dake desu ga” (気持ちだけですが) – “It’s just a token of my feelings, but…”
- “Tsumaranai mono desu ga” (つまらないものですが) – “It’s rather boring/uninteresting, but…” (Use this one carefully, it’s quite humble!)
- Even for cash gifts: “Futou dake desu ga” (封筒だけですが) – “It’s just an envelope, but…”
My first time hearing this last phrase was when my wife’s uncle handed us what he called “just an envelope.” I was later shocked to find the equivalent of $1000 USD inside! This taught me that understatement is a virtue in Japanese gift-giving.
When receiving, it’s common to initially show polite reluctance to receiving the gift. (“sonna, sumimasen” そんな、すみません！– Oh no, you shouldn’t have, I feel bad accepting!) before accepting with profuse thanks (“doumo arigatou gozaimasu” どうもありがとうございます).
What Gifts Are Appropriate?
Choosing the right gift caused me significant anxiety during my first few years in Japan. Should it be expensive? Traditional? Modern? Here are some guidelines I’ve learned:
- General Gifts: Omiyage and temiyage are often local edible specialties, beautifully packaged. Aim for thoughtful generosity without being overly extravagant.
- Cash Gifts (Goshugi 御祝儀): For special occasions like weddings, cash is common. Always use crisp, new bills obtained from a bank, placed inside a special decorative envelope (shugi-bukuro 祝儀袋). The amount often depends on your relationship with the person you’re gifting and the occasion, so ask someone local who knows.
- Superstitions: Avoid gifts involving sets of 4 (sounds like death) or 9 (sounds like suffering) items.
- Holiday Specifics: For Valentine’s Day, women traditionally give chocolate (ranging from obligation ‘giri-choco’ to heartfelt ‘honmei-choco’). Men reciprocate with white-themed sweets (marshmallows, white chocolate) on White Day (March 14th). Ochugen and Oseibo gifts are often high-quality food or drink items (like nice cooking oil, beer, fancy jellies, or ham).
- When in Doubt: Ask a knowledgeable friend, contact, or even hotel concierge for advice appropriate to your specific situation, especially regarding value or type for occasions like okaeshi (see below).
A note for foreign visitors: While Japanese people will generally be understanding of small mistakes made by visitors, making an effort with gift-giving shows respect for their culture. The good news is that expectations are usually lower for tourists than for locals or long-term residents.
Why Keeping Track Matters: The Concept of Okaeshi (お返し)
Unlike my simple ‘say thank you and done’ upbringing, Japanese society places high value on reciprocity. Receiving a gift (especially for major occasions or significant gestures) often creates an expectation for okaeshi (お返し) – a return gift.
This is more than an empty custom. It’s about maintaining balance, showing gratitude, and acknowledging the relationship. Often, the okaeshi is expected to be worth about half the value of the original gift received.
When our son was born, we received many lovely baby outfits and items. We then gave department store gift certificates worth roughly 50% of each gift’s estimated value as okaeshi, as was customary. Ironically, we spent more on return gifts than our cash income that month, but it was an important and expected way to acknowledge everyone’s kindness and strengthen those relationships.
And a crucial piece not to forget, thank the original giver again the next time you see them after receiving their gift. Forgetting this follow-up thank you, as I often did initially, can seem unintentionally rude and neglectful of their gesture.
Bringing It All Together
Navigating Japan’s gift-giving culture might seem complex, even stressful at times (I’ve heard Japanese friends express this too!), but it’s deeply rooted in showing respect, consideration, and maintaining social harmony.
Remember the core principles: offer and receive with two hands, use humble language when giving, appreciate the presentation, and be mindful of reciprocity (okaeshi) and follow-up thanks.
Don’t stress about achieving perfection! As a visitor, your thoughtful effort to understand and respect these customs will be genuinely appreciated and go a long way. It shows consideration, builds connections, and gives insight into the importance placed on relationships in Japanese society.
So, I encourage you to be curious when you travel. Watch how the culture interacts around you. Engage in this custom if you have the chance and observe how well you are received.
Wishing you a wonderful and culturally enriching trip to Japan!